It doesn’t matter why….you are there….and there is no pulling you back up. You dangle, hands worn, maybe bleeding from the decent down the proverbial rope.
You do not even care how you got there…but this time, this is really it….the frayed edges of your last bit of hope are at your elbows. The rope.
You can’t let go, because you cannot see below. What will catch you? Will anything? Will anyone? And then the eyes sting and the hands burn with ferocity, the body dangles the awaited decisions.
And then it hits you. You have climbed up before, you have mustered strength. This, this is really the end of you. There isn’t even a desire to look or muster or climb. You are resolved, that even perpetual free fall may allow you to exhale. “And underneath are the everlasting arms….” It is a whisper, it guides through the wisps of your hair, around your tear stained cheek, gently into the ear and permeating your soul, “….llleeeeeeettttt gggoooooooo….” It’s the lullaby you have cried for….as you have longed to be comforted in the arms. To be rocked into peaceful slumber.
Slowly, the fingers peal away….the breath leaves….the eyes close….the muscles stop fighting….the shoulders drop….the head tilts upwards and you….just…let…go…………only, there is no falling. A cloud must have enclosed you, the body has collapsed and is resting…Clouds do not comfort like this. Yet it envelopes you. And you, you give in to the letting go. ”It is finished…” the whisper now coming from within…and without….somehow, from that voice that is heard, and yet not heard. And from the embrace that is more of a holding than any other….yet, you cannot see it. The salty trails are dancing now as they leave the creases of joyful eyes. Oh, this place, this place of the letting go and of just being. But you are less alone than you have ever known and you know Him……the heart begs, it pleads in its rejoicing, “Don’t go….”. ”Only let me stay, right here, always”. And you KNOW the promises are “yes and amen”. Here, you are His again. The lowest of places, the deepest of fears and the last bit of letting go was the shortest distance you were ever asked to travel, becuase underneath, “are the everlasting arms” , they never leave, they never forsake, they never ‘oops’ you.
The eternal God is your dwelling place,
and underneath are the everlasting arms.
And he thrust out the enemy before you
and said, ‘Destroy.’
The circumstances….I thought it was there fault that I was at this end. But, I saw, so clearly, from His arms….they were meant to lead me there. And the rope, I had woven it with much difficulty and I began to climb and then I realized that He had never asked me too. Not once had He ever asked me to come up with the plan, to go at it alone, to bear the burden, to be miserable. No, this was His doing. So, how was I missing the joy in this pathway? How had it darkened and lost its luster…..because I left Him, somewhere in the distance I became the master. Now, now, as He always purposed, He will gently lead me, the light has once again drenched the path…the vision of what is ahead is not daunting, but glorious….and all because I am once again…behind, desperate and exactly where I want to be.
In the shadow of His stature, holding His hand….walking, one step at a time, trusting the One who will lead.
Because there are 5 who watch, who mimmick, who copy. Because if I lead, they will fall. If they mimmick this gargantuan rope holder, they fail. If they see and they try and they never know how to ‘just be’ and to ‘be still’ and ‘to know Him’….that is everything.
The rope…it is the conterfeit of ‘just being’. It is the strive and the pull and the never measure up that calls us, that SCREEEEEAAAAAAMMMSSS. IT SCREAMS, “MOOOOOOLLLLLYYYYY!!!! HAHA, never, ever will you make it! NEVER!”…..the rope, is the lie. The everlasting arms, the just being, they are the Truth. He is, the way, the truth, and the life….the rope is the noose.
“Leeeeetttt gooooooo….”, He gently whispers, the Gentleman Creator calls, and waits. Just let go….be still….and know….the everlasting arms…..everything else will come into focus.
love,
Molly
He is getting married, my brother.
I was gathering the sculptures from God’s hand, outside, on the ground. Sculptures, to decorate tables at the wedding reception. Like roses, like palm trees, beautiful, spiky, hard to pick up, gorgeous to gaze upon.
Under the tree, at its base, that is where the most cones and spikes had fallen, they do not fall far from the tree. I heard the pounding sky, glanced slowly over the back of my shoulder and saw that my time was up.
A black sky, the glow of electricity reaching from the heavens, to the earth. Agitation was having its way with me, when would I have time to do this again? When would I think to do it again? God’s eco-system won, I was chased indoors.
The rain poured, the sky painted it’s swirls of grey, dark grey, white and traces of blue. The leaves blew and they blew and they blew, a warning….a tornado warning.
Thankfully, a warning passed, rain passed and I looked outside. Here, I had seen the storm as an interruption, a delay in my plans, as if I KNEW what was best and what would come at the end of it. But, I couldn’t have known.
Upon looking under the same tree, where I had gathered most of it’s spiky offering’s, a fresh, new, batch. Double what I had gathered, possibly triple, gently nudged from their branches by the passing storm.
I saw an interruption in the storm that had forced me in a direction I did not prefer to go…God brought me triple the harvest that I would have had without it.
I knew He was teaching me. Our move, the accident, the emotional high’s and low’s of leaving home and family. He was showing me again. It all seems like an interruption in my life. It seems like an unplanned storm that we must wait out. It has felt very much like….a mistake. But in reality, there is a purpose in the storm and if I hold tight, it will yield the fruit that He intends for me to have. To be disciplined to rest in Him, in His purposes, during the storms, that is the goal.
He brought me here,
He brought the storm,
that drew me near,
into His arms.
I cannot see,
how things will end.
I only know,
I can trust Him.
He never ceases to amaze me.
love,
Molly
Pride keeps me from a lot of things. It keeps from telling others that I am seriously struggling at times. It keeps me from reaching out and seeking prayer and support from others. It keeps me balled up, fighting the lies of satan, on my own. And in my experience, I am not very good at fighting the lies for long.
“Failure”, “God doesn’t love you”, “Surely God means only to torture you in this life”, “You only thought that you were His child”, “You must be one of the ones that hardens, and there is nothing that you can do about it”, “too bad that your life is just a joke to everyone that sees you”, “you should just give up now, there is no hope”, “You are ruining your children”. If I was going to remain in my prideful state, I would never share these deep, dark places with you. But, I know that if I am being fed lies, than others must be too.
Sometimes, there are not even words to pray for ourselves. The last thing that the enemy wants is for us to reach out to the body of Christ. And so He feeds more lies, “your burdens are your fault, don’t throw them on others. If you had just made different decisions about your life, you wouldn’t be in this sad place”. He is crafty, the Father of Lies. He has been lying to humans since the first humans came into being. Honestly, he has a bit of an upper hand. He has watched humanity, he has hunted God’s children, to steal, kill and destroy. Perhaps his greatest lie is this one, “There is no hope”. Once he has been allowed to zap our hope, we are putty in his hands.
But, God, in His infinite mercy, will not allow us to be overcome. Christ left the flock of 99 to retrieve the 1 who wondered away. Would he not also leave the flock to rescue the one being hotly pursued by a wolf? Of course He would. And He did.
I reached out to some women in my life yesterday. I shared my battles. I asked them for their prayers and encouragement. I agonized over even pushing the ‘send’ button. What would they think of me? I was amazed and showered with love and encouragement, with their prayers. And I saw the hand of God, moving in my heart, on my behalf, when I had no energy left to fight on my own. I wrestled with Him, in silence, as I drove my son to his soccer game. I sat, thankful to be left alone. I had brought a book that I picked up this week. God knew. God knew, that at just the right moment when I needed it most, that His words, His wisdom would leap from the pages and into my soul. I KNEW, this was the answer to the prayers of my sisters in Christ.
My son’s game began and I would read when he was on the sideline, he played, I cheered, I read. The rain rolled in, I had no umbrella, so I held my camping chair upside down on my head until it passed. It did pass. I sat, I read, I cheered him on. Slowly, my hope was being restored. Before I left, in the midst of my doubt, my husband was talking me through my lostness. “Don’t you know that God chastens those that He loves?”…”That’s just it”, I replied, “I don’t know that I am His right now”. Oh me, of little faith.
My son and I were leaving his game and as I turned around, above my head, without my knowing, a rainbow had appeared as the rain had passed over me. I was stopped in my tracks. I looked, and I KNEW, I knew afresh, that His promises are for me. He would not let me stay in a place of wondering if I was His, no, He pursued me. Just as the proverbial rains had poured over my exhausted soul, the clouds passed and without my knowing, He was working His promises back into my heart.
“Surely goodness and mercy, will follow me, all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the House of the Lord, forever and ever.” Excerpt from Psalm 23
“Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.” Psalm 51:8-12
That the God of the universe would take time to answer me, I cannot understand it.
love,
Molly
I am angry today. My face has hurt every morning since the accident, then my back starts in, then my head, legs…I am angry. I have been trying to figure out why.
What do I really have to be angry about anyway? I have been thanking God profusely for sparing our family from death last week, all though death is the not the worst thing that could happen to a person. I think I am angry at being reminded of who I really am. I mean, this body feels VERY permanent. My extra weight REALLY seems permanent. But, it has all been milling around my head, over and over again. I think that it has more to do with time than anything else.
Have you ever stopped to think about where time actually goes?
I know you have uttered the words, “Where has the time gone?”, just like I have. But have you ever stopped to think about where it actually does go? How is it that moments are not frozen in time, that we cannot return, even one second backwards?
If I am a vanishing mist, then surely time is as well. It seems to vanish before our eyes. Look at one person near you. Try to make time go backwards, the smallest movement of a foot, a breath, it is gone forever. Where has it gone? It has vanished.
Scientifically speaking we are mostly water, isn’t it interesting then, that we would be spoken of as a mist?
So then, if we are to disappear as a mist, what is to be said of the lives that we are living while the moments are vanishing, of the time that cannot be recaptured? We FEEL as though our time is limitless…we can do that tomorrow, I will tell my kids I love them tomorrow. I will work on my marriage tomorrow. I will seek Christ tomorrow. “Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring”.
I am angry, because I have been awakened from a wonderfully ignorant dream. A dream that tells me I have forever with my family. A dream that tells me nothing changes and life is full of dreams come true. But sooner than I can think that one dream is happening, it is vanishing just as quickly. How then do we live?
What is to be done with the vanishing time? What will remain when I am but a vanished vapor? Only that which is eternal, will remain. Good or bad, the eternal things, they do not vanish, they do not end. My body, it will vanish, my soul…it will not end. It is a difficult concept in the world of ticking clocks. But, the Bible that tells me that time is vanishing also tells me that eternity will be forever. I see, I experience, I taste the reality of vanishing time.
The vanished time cannot be re-captured. It’s memory remains, God has kept a record of it, but otherwise it has vanished….let us live, with the constant reminder that our days are numbered, and have been from the foundations of the world. Not one of us can add too or take away from our time here. I pray that our lives be lived to the fullest, for the Glory of God alone!
These pictures were taken at a memorial cemetery in Wilmington, NC. As my son and I drove through and read the names of the men. I prayed, “Lord, speak to him about his life, about the brevity of it.’
4 hours later, on our drive back to Southern Georgia, we passed a devastating wreck on the highway. An 18 wheeler, off the road, it flew into the trees, the trailor exploded along with its contents. The driver’s cab was all ash and smoke. We were very close to it, as I was looking at the scene with morbid curiosity, my son burst into tears, weeping…he is 10 yrs old. ”It’s so sad”, he was crying. We held hands. He cried for awhile, we talked about life, how we never know when it is our time to go, but that nothing can change our appointed hour. At his tender age, he has been in two violent car wrecks, his life and limbs spared both times….
The Lord answered my prayer, He spoke to my son…He spoke to me, He is showing me the brevity of life and that I am eternally in His keeping.
Love,
Molly
My family and I were involved in a terrifying auto accident last Saturday. An accident, that had we been in our conversion van, could have ended in tragedy. But we weren’t in our conversion van. You see, we were planning our vacation to NC, to visit our families. My husband’s father called a week early and offered to rent us a van to travel in. A large van. My husband, however, had received a Ford Explorer for his business rental that week and he was certain that that was the vehicle for us to take. I was less than thrilled at the idea of traveling with 7 people, for a week, in a small SUV.
My daughter was not happy either, she pitched a fit about it, and my husband stood his ground. I was tempted too, to talk him out of it, which I knew I could do. But, every time I was about to air my concerns, a still, small, voice told me to, “shut up and take the vehicle”. So we did. We were set to leave around 10, I had an appointment that was delayed 30 minutes. We stopped at Wal-Mart, and I uncharacteristically made it in and out in 20 minutes…I told myself that I was going to make it through and show Andy how fast I could do it. We then drove through Taco Bell, and we were stalled by children who were unsure about what they wanted to eat. As we were driving down the highway, headed towards NC, not even 5 miles from home, I looked up and saw a cloud of smoke and dirt in the median, and then I realized that a car was flying out of it. IT seemed so far in the distance and in an instant, it was 5 feet from of us, airborne…Andy barely jerked the wheel and we were struck at 50 mph, in his driver side door. Airbags deployed all over the vehicle…over every window, at my side, at my husband’s side.
The loud thunderous crashing of metal on violent metal and the cracking glass, it’s a sound I will never forget.
Food flew to the front, cheese, beans, dirt shrouded the exterior and we could see nothing, we were bouncing and bouncing…we had no idea where we were. The children were screaming in absolute terror…Andy and I had the wind knocked out of us, we were silent. We were frozen and waiting for the vehicle to come to a stop. And we did come to a stop, at the bottom of a 30-40 foot embankment. The vehicle should have rolled, it didn’t. As I was climbing out of the vehicle, up the hill, witnesses to the wreck were already on their way down to help us. We took the children out one by one, all screaming, all shaking…my daughter covered in blood from a slice through her cheek…two children with enormous goose eggs…everyone shaking. My husband calling family, calling our pastor, EMT’s checking everyone, loading the ambulance…the hospital…5 hours of tests, x-ray’s, stitches, pain killers…My four year old in a neck brace as they were assessing her head injury…I collapsed on her bead and wept.
I KNEW, I KNEW, I KNEW that the Lord had preserved us. I KNEW that He had set things in motion, weeks earlier, for us to be in the safest vehicle possible. It could have been His will that some of us perish, or had serious injury…but it wasn’t, not last Saturday.
He has so gently reminded me again, that there is nothing I can do. I am in His hands. My husband, my children, our lives, they are ALL in HIS hands. So why should I fear? Yes, it is difficult to ride in vehicles now. Yes, we are all still in pain and frustrated with it. YES, we are all safe.
Saturday was not our time to die. But, we know that each of us has an appointed day, an appointed hour, where it will be our time….we will stand before a Holy God, either covered in the blood of Christ, or not. And there is NOTHING that we can do to change that which HE has set in motion from the foundations of the world.
Can we trust Him? Absolutely. If half or some of my family had died could I still trust Him? Yes. IF, my family is taken or separated by death will He still be good, just and Holy? Yes, yes and yes. So what do I have to fear except for His awesome power? Nothing.
God’s Everlasting Love: Romans 8:31-37
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Fear only the one who holds you in His hands….there is nothing you can do to change it, and it is MARVELOUS!!!
love,
Molly
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